Category: Fertility / Infertility

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Childless Grief

Today’s post is not going to be a happy one. I really thought I was doing okay, and that I have made peace with my future. A friend revealed to me that she was 12 weeks pregnant today. And although I am happy for her, I can’t help but be sad for myself. It is moments like these that remind me of my childless grief.

Sad for my husband, sad for our future and sad for our failure.

It hit me hard, so very hard. And now I am on her support team, because I don’t when to shut up and look after myself. My husband understands my childless grief, but doesn’t feel it. All he can think is that we are better to be childless than to have the worry of having an aging egg meeting a sperm and running the risk of complications.

And intellectually I agree with … Read the rest

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Fertility Decision Time!

fertility decision at a crossroads

I need to make a decision regarding my fertility and to weigh my options. This is according to my therapist. At the moment I am sitting in limbo. I am not going balls to the wall to fall pregnant i.e. fertility treatments, yet I am hopeful of falling pregnant but I am enjoying being child free and responsibility free.

I am in limbo. And it is causing me pain on an emotional level and stunting my growth as a person.

All that she has said, I cannot disagree with. Guess that is the benefit of therapy. There is a third party who is objective enough to tell you the hard truths.

My homework for this week is to create a pro’s and con’s list regarding having a child. I need to make a decision. Time is running out for me and she fears I am going to regret not trying … Read the rest

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My Miscarriage and Divorce Experience

divorce

I filed for divorce in 2013 after my miscarriage.

I had met my previous husband in 2003, moved in with him in 2006. We were then married in 2008. and I now call it my 10 year mistake. There were warning signs that I didn’t take heed of or that I thought I could overcome. Turns out that I wasn’t strong enough.

My therapist is curious why I don’t discuss this period of my life, and why I shy away from disclosing my feelings / emotions during the time of the divorce. If I were to label the over-riding emotion, it would be sadness and disappointment. Disappointment in myself and with him.

No one marries with the intention of dissolving their marriage. And all I keep saying to myself is that I tried, I really tried to make it work, I really tried to put him first, I really tried … Read the rest

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The History of my Fertility / Infertility

This is going to be a tough post to write, delving into my history of fertility or infertility. And just typing this one line brings tears to my eyes.

In my life time, I have had one confirmed pregnancy. This was with the assistance of clomid which I consider the gateway of fertility treatment. I now suspect I have had many chemical pregnancies, fortunately I don’t know the exact number.

My one confirmed pregnancy became my one confirmed miscarriage. I then promptly divorced that husband. Which most people think was a reaction to the miscarriage. When in fact, it was a reaction to realising that I was in that relationship alone. My one and only miscarriage gave me strength to be without him.

The official and medical opinion, is that I am not ovulating on my own and require clomid intervention. Clomid is used to force / mimic the hormones … Read the rest