I filed for divorce in 2013 after my miscarriage.
I had met my previous husband in 2003, moved in with him in 2006. We were then married in 2008. and I now call it my 10 year mistake. There were warning signs that I didn’t take heed of or that I thought I could overcome. Turns out that I wasn’t strong enough.
My therapist is curious why I don’t discuss this period of my life, and why I shy away from disclosing my feelings / emotions during the time of the divorce. If I were to label the over-riding emotion, it would be sadness and disappointment. Disappointment in myself and with him.
No one marries with the intention of dissolving their marriage. And all I keep saying to myself is that I tried, I really tried to make it work, I really tried to put him first, I really tried to concentrate on the positives. I just couldn’t any more, not after our miscarriage.
The year before the miscarriage, I had started pulling away and protecting myself emotionally. I found a life coach, and started seeing her on a weekly basis. The over-riding message that I took away is that I need to do what makes me happy. Turns out that what me happy was not him.
I was still trying at our marriage and going through the motions. After consulting a gynae I had started taking clomid and timed some intercourse, and second cycle we were pregnant. Now I had something to focus on and I could see my life unfolding with the development of our child. There now was a reason to make it work. And then it all came crashing down in such a predictable miserable way.
At about 7 weeks along, I went to the bathroom at work, and was still joking about how much urine I was producing. I urinated, I wiped and saw a red blob which looked like an octopus. This octopus was the sac and I was instantly numb as I flushed the sac and my child away. My HCG levels were dropping, I had miscarried.
Then the cracks in our marriage started showing, my then husband wasn’t able to comfort me. And by that I mean, he didn’t see why I would need a hug or why I would want to talk about it or why was I so sad. I had to go to the gynae by myself for a possible womb scrapping, and if I did have it then his brother could pick me up. He was too busy at work. Thankfully I didn’t need the scraping and just went to work.
I spent a week in a fog of numbness and felt adrift from my emotions and just trying to keep one foot in front of the other. Never before had I felt so alone and I was alone. I made him leave our house that weekend, and I could then start to cry.
He called me irrational and unreasonable.
I requested a divorce and found a lawyer.
The divorce took approximately 7 months to finalise. During this time we minimal communication during that time. I had at one stage tried to put the brakes on and requested an attempt for a reconciliation. He did the kindest thing for me and told me no, there was too much damage and we were beyond reconciliation. I shortly found myself in front of a magistrate giving five reasons why my marriage was broken and beyond repair.
Although I know nothing about the child I lost, I had named him Gabriel. With the passing of Gabriel so to went my hopes and dreams for the future. I haven’t properly grieved for Gabriel and what he had represented to me, nor do I know how to say goodbye to an idea or to a hope.
My 10 year mistake ended.