This is going to be a tough post to write, delving into my history of fertility or infertility. And just typing this one line brings tears to my eyes.
In my life time, I have had one confirmed pregnancy. This was with the assistance of clomid which I consider the gateway of fertility treatment. I now suspect I have had many chemical pregnancies, fortunately I don’t know the exact number.
My one confirmed pregnancy became my one confirmed miscarriage. I then promptly divorced that husband. Which most people think was a reaction to the miscarriage. When in fact, it was a reaction to realising that I was in that relationship alone. My one and only miscarriage gave me strength to be without him.
The official and medical opinion, is that I am not ovulating on my own and require clomid intervention. Clomid is used to force / mimic the hormones for ovulation. Currently my cycle is regular and I have every indication that I am ovulating, based on strips and temperature. Even with his “poor” sperm, the ex-husband and I managed to fall pregnant.
I have been actively trying to fall pregnant for the past four years, with my new husband and his “super” sperm. Even the fertility doctor was impressed and gave me the printout of the “super” sperm result to take home, I think the implication was for me to frame it.
We weren’t falling pregnant and It is my fault or my body’s fault that we aren’t parents.
And the one thing I have proven is that it isn’t going to happen naturally for me. I do not feel strong enough emotionally to go the more invasive routes of IUI and IVF. And It doesn’t help that my age is against me.
I had done 4 cycles of clomid two years ago unsuccessfully and I found that it causes some emotional upswings and downswings. I really am not a nice person on that drug.
Adoption isn’t really an option for us. You have to be a special person to adopt and I know I am not that person.
I am not going to be a mom and it doesn’t matter how hard I try, I am not going to be a mom.
Guess it is time to just accept that I am infertile and childless not by choice.
I will be creating more posts about my infertility or fertility history and the accompanying struggles for the one thing that I cannot be.
“An infertile person, animal or plant cannot have babies, produce young, or produce new plants.”
Cambridge Dictionary