I am currently in therapy due to being unable to cope with my infertility and for my struggle to be myself. I do not have an authentic self. Or I don’t know who my authentic self is.
Today’s session was a good one as in I was upbeat and shifting my perceptions. The session today dealt with being authentic to those in my life. I have developed a strong defence against the world and the people in my life. I don’t show my true emotions and minimise the effect of people’s words and actions.
My problem is that what I present to the world is self taught and has been a long time in making. I try not to be rude or impolite to people, thereby giving their feelings more importance than my own. I present a happy person, a person that has her life together and lives by principles.
The problem with my principles is that no longer fit or serve a purpose in my current life. At times the principles even contradict one another, yet I will apply a principle based on a situation. There is a filing system in my head as to what principle will apply to which situation.
The purpose of the therapy is to weigh each principle and decide whether it is authentic to myself. A lot of the time it isn’t and is something that I have picked up or learnt while growing up. I have no true authentic self but a patchwork of beliefs and behaviours.
I can generally keep my emotions under control, until I can’t. And when I can’t there is a lot of negativity that comes spewing out of my mouth. I want to hurt people as I have been hurt. This is not a rational or reasonable response. It is the dams breaking within me.
The realisation I had today, I haven’t learnt how to express myself moderately. I either mask my response with humour or with anger. There is no middle ground between the two emotional responses as I never learnt how.
I have read a lot of posts / blogs regarding being true to myself and breaking free from comfortable. As I am very risk averse and tend to stick to what I know. I am comfortable and safe, the added bonus is no-one knows how I feel. However, I can’t continue with this mindset. It may have helped me in the past but it is not serving me well at this point.
Although I plan to post about my struggles with fertility and it does hurt me to realise that I am going to be child free. The question has to be asked as to whether this is truly what I want or what I think is expected of me. I do a lot of things based on my perceived expectations of me.
The bottom line is I have to learn who I am, what I believe in, that I believe in myself and how to present that to the world. This new me will be kind to others and more importantly kind to myself.
“Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world.”
Adam Grant