I need to make a decision regarding my fertility and to weigh my options. This is according to my therapist. At the moment I am sitting in limbo. I am not going balls to the wall to fall pregnant i.e. fertility treatments, yet I am hopeful of falling pregnant but I am enjoying being child free and responsibility free.
I am in limbo. And it is causing me pain on an emotional level and stunting my growth as a person.
All that she has said, I cannot disagree with. Guess that is the benefit of therapy. There is a third party who is objective enough to tell you the hard truths.
My homework for this week is to create a pro’s and con’s list regarding having a child. I need to make a decision. Time is running out for me and she fears I am going to regret not trying everything I could have.
My current problem is that when I start to think of the list, I start crying. This is in some ways a final decision that I need to make. The outcome will determine the way forward and I will need to stand by the decision.
The rules of the list is that I can discuss it with my husband, however this has to be my own decision that isn’t influenced by outside influences. The biggest obstacle, besides myself, is that the pro’s will be subjective and the con’s objective. How does one measure the joy of a child vs the cost of the child?
And now I am sitting here trying to decide which side is the pro and which is the con. Basically whether having a child / trying for a child is a pro or would that be considered a con?
Fertility Treatments
I just know that having a child, at my age, will involve IVF. To be honest that scares me. The high level of expectation I have at a late period is going to pale in comparison with the expectations of an IVF cycle. The crash afterwards will be devastating.
IVF also comes with some serious drugs and its own set of complications. Plus there is the cost and the low success rate. Everything I have read has indicated that it would on average 3 cycles. IVF cycle cost is between R 56 000 and R 66 000
Then there is IUI, or as I like to call it the turkey baster method, which also comes with its own complications. Namely for me, I have low egg quality and low egg reserve. So no point getting the swimmers there if there is no egg. May explain why IVF is always suggested / recommended. IUI cycle cost is between R 5 000 and R 10 000
Then the entry level fertility option is clomid. I have fallen pregnant on a second clomid cycle, and then had my miscarriage. I have since tried it for four cycles, with no success. Even after my husband stated that it was starting to feel rape-y.
So it would seem that IVF would be the winner in my case. Except for the cost. I cannot justify that expense. That is a trip to Mauritius for my husband and I. That is the cost of a second hand car.
I have just found out that one can go to Groote Schuur Infertility Clinic for treatment, I am going to make the assumption that the costs are lower but their entrance requirements are higher. For me this is not an option, as I am too old.
So no IVF. No treatment.
Decision made?
I am still not 100% at a decision, as there is still the option of continuing as in and hoping that we fall pregnant naturally. I am however convinced not to pursue any fertility treatment.
In my near future I am going to have to reconcile myself to a child free life. And child free living does come with its own perks.
Child Free Living
This is the future without a child. Without the responsibilities, with opportunities with regards to time, money and energy.
At present we aren’t living as if we were child free. We definitely aren’t out partying every night, not that we are those type of people. What we have done is built our own routines, which aren’t necessarily the correct routines.
Cooking is not an essential, as we don’t have to worry about nutrients for a child and evidently not for ourselves either. We are becoming quite the connoisseurs of Uber Eats.
Our living area is not clutter free and minimalistic, as it stands at the moment we wouldn’t be able to cope with the clutter / essentials that come with a child.
So basically there are a lot of improvements that we can take with our lives. Part of the routine / rut or sloth like behaviour is that we are in limbo. Do we extend the bathroom into the second bedroom? We could but what if we have a child, so will need the second bedroom. Shall we plan an overseas holiday for next year? We could be pregnant and unable to fly.
It may be time to break free of limbo and start doing all those things we have been putting on hold.
Conclusion
I may not have made a decision yet, but I can see in which direction I am leaning towards. This is more a decision made out of circumstance and my past choices / decisions. However it is now the only logical conclusion, out of limbo and into child free living.
Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears.
Rudyard Kipling