The hardest part of having depression is knowing what your life purpose is. This is a notion I cling to, if I have a life purpose will I be happier and better?
This past week has been a hard week. It has been a week that I have not been able to explain why I feel the way I do, the emotional highs and lows were that much evident. I was lashing out.
I was in pain.
What makes this hard to appreciate is I don’t know why.
I can’t tell you or my husband why I was so angry over small slights. Why did I burst into tears because my team mates didn’t include me? It has just hung over me and continues to do so.
Definition of depression: A mental condition characterised by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep
Lexico
Today is a better day. I managed to get out of bed, I got dressed and drove to work. I have even been productive at work. There is less paper in my work life as it has all be filed away or dealt with.
But over shadowing me, hanging above me is an umbrella of sadness. This is filtering the any joy that may be in my day with a tinge of sadness, a bit of grey and a dash of who cares.
The tears are building up again, and I don’t know why. Is it because I am trying to put myself out there by arranging things and not getting much response from “friends”? That very well could be the reason right now, however it is not the root cause of the sadness.
I keep trying to figure out what my purpose is. What am I supposed to be doing with this life of mine? I though I would be a mother, but that hasn’t exactly panned out so now what do I do? I am an awesome aunt, but that is easy enough to do and not exactly a purpose to living. My husband is nervous, as there is talks of hot air balloon rides and he has a fear of heights. So I may have tricked him into a cable car ride, the lesser of the two evils.
I am planning and preparing. Yet none of it gives me joy.
What is my purpose in life?
The meaning of life is to find your gift.
The purpose of life is to give it away.
Dilip Bagdi
This quote speaks to me. I have many gifts but none of them is what I could special. I am a jack of all trades and master of none. My uniqueness of being able to do many different things is a gift in and of itself. However there aren’t many platforms for me to give them away.
I am going to start finding my gift. That is the only course of action I haven’t taken.